Help on my personal statement for Law School

My personal statement for Law School only needs to be a page long but my essay seems dull. I can’t seem to describe my emotions well enough. I want it to grasp the reader.

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I was only a newbie who stood guard at school twice a week. I would wash my uniform,
iron it with starch, and clean and shine my boots. I was in sixth when I joined the Cadet Corps in
Madison Middle School. With my grades and effort I was rising in ranks. After the first year my
father told me to get out because I’m a girl. He thought I wasn’t mentally strong enough to stay
in a program that was primarily male based. He saw how dedicated I was but as a father he was
worried I would get pushed around. I would spend countless hours after school helping out and
attending the training programs so I could get promoted with time. During my second year in the
program, I was transferred to Alpha company and was promoted to “corporal”. I was in charge of
a few cadets in my team. I had also joined the Color guard which only 5 cadets were selected.
The best was yet to come. By the end of my second year I was in charge of my platoon. Fast
forward to my third year, I became a “first sergeant” and lead Apha company. I couldn’t believe
that all my hard work was acknowledged and I was the highest ranked cadet in my company. I
graduated from the program as sergeant major. It was by far my proudest personal achievement.
Only a few were selected. The only rank above mine was command sergeant major and there
was only one per year.
The reason I chose to write about my experience in the Cadet Corps is because I realized
how much effort and dedication it takes to achieve your goals. Nothing happens overnight and
without hard work and sacrifice goals may not be reachable. I learned how to get passed my
comfort zone without losing my focus. I accepted responsibility. I strive for success and I don’t
give up on my dreams or goals. I will work for as long I need to in order to succeed. Failure is
not an option.

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