The Travels that Made Her Brave

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The Travels that made her Brave
2
The Travels that Made Her Brave
Deleted: m
Physical appearance or looks are always deceiving. This statement has been the stepping
Deleted: h
Formatted: Font: Not Bold
Formatted: Font: Not Bold
stone behind getting to know her. At one point of a time, we all have heard about people
Formatted: Font: Not Bold
travelling miles away in the process of building their future or in search of a better state of life.
These stories lack the emotional depth and can only be achieved by been given the chance to
meet people who are trying to rebuild the American Life. She has travelled all the way from Asia
to America. She comes from a city that many people find it hard to pronounce; Anuradhapura,
Sri Lanka. The city is approximately 8890 miles from the Unites States when flying directly over
the Atlantic Ocean. It’s a two-day flight. She is twenty-year-old girl, pays for everything she
Commented [HB3]: Replace the semicolon with a colon.
Deleted: s
Deleted: through
Deleted: through
Deleted: two days
needs, is distanced from relatives, and she balances work and school. All these have not
Deleted: twenty year old
Deleted: ,
prevented her from living an ideal life of a foreigner in the United States. She has been able to
Deleted: s
leave every room she enters illuminated with hope, and she has always been the rock and an
Commented [HB4]: While you do not have to use her real name,
you must give her a name. This will help readers to more easily
follow the essay, as it is a bit confusing reading about someone who
remains nameless.
inspiration to her family and friends.
Thinking about the number of miles she travels either by air, by ship, or even by train
from America to Sri Lanka just to go be with her family, describes the true meaning of strength
and affection. Her life has given the true meaning of being independent and strong. Although she
may not realize the impact she brings to people around her, but as a friend, people truly enjoy the
fruits of her friendship and great inspiration she give me. When she was at first grade, her father
decided to move to Chicago with her, leaving her mother behind. She has always talked about
the flight from Anuradhapura to Chicago and it was a life changing experience for her. Being a
first grade child, learning about the new American culture and belief was her biggest nightmare.
These obstacles never made her look back and regret her life in America but instead made her
the person she is now.
Commented [HB5]: What was this experience like for her?
Help readers to understand what she felt, saw, and experienced.
Commented [HB6]: Do not focus on yourself. Rather, focus on
the woman you are profiling. Rather than speak of the inspiration
she gives you, focus on why it is important to her to inspire others,
or if she is unaware of her ability to do this, speak of her lack of
awareness of her true power and inspiration.
Commented [HB7]: How did this make her feel? How did she
react? What were her thoughts? Her emotions? Help readers to
understand how this experience impacted her. Remember to “show.”
Do not “tell.” Use strong, vivid descriptive details to take readers
back through these moments with her.
Commented [HB8]: Remember: do not “tell” readers; instead
“show” them. Insclude dialogue/quotes, so readers can “hear” her.
Remember to describe her speech and mannaerisms, so they can
“see” her as she speaks.
Commented [HB9]: Work on “showing” your readers instead of
“telling.” Here, and throughout the essay, you “tell.” An example of
“showing” would be:
Learning about her new American culture was her greatest
nightmare. As she the bell rang to signal the start of the new school
day, her mind raced with anxiety and her face flushed red. Sitting at
her front row desk, she stared down at her hands, trying her hardest
not to move, hoping and praying that maybe no one would notice
her.
Work on doing this throughout the essay. You must take readers
back to these moments with her, working to “show” them her
thoughts, feelings, and actions in an effort to “show” readers who
she is and why.
The Travels that made her Brave
3
After a long journey from their country, with her dad they arrived at Chicago
International Airport in Illinois and they did not understand or speak English. Her dad drove
them to a relative’s home who she described as Uncle. She has always said that learning the
language and adapting to the new culture was the most challenging obstacle in her new life in
Chicago. This made her father decide to leave for Sri Lanka after just two weeks in Chicago for
their life was too hard for them to adapt. She started going to school and for her father also to
learn the language, he used to accompany her to school. They both learned the language mostly
from other students but not from the teachers.
Her father supported her in all means possible and she did not disappoint for she was
quick to learn and also appreciated everything her father gave her. They visited her mum back at
Sri Lanka several times. She changed constantly in terms of leaning the American culture and
her father noticed the rapid change in her. This made her stronger and more independent and she
was now 18 years old. Her father left for Sri Lanka as she settled in her new house. She was now
the one to take care of all her bills, this was a major step she took in her life. She met with her
boyfriend James who she could find little time to be together for she had to balance work and
school. Her boyfriend gave her what she missed from her dad after he went back to his country
of origin. James explains that Navodya has been the best companion and a mentor too in his life.
She now works at a Mexican Grill as a shift manager and she feels happy about the position she
holds at the restaurant.
Her personal life is not different from many people’s life even though she holds a tight
schedule to balance her studies with work. She now lives with her boyfriend and she always
finds time for him and also for his friends and family members. She has been the pillar that holds
their relationship. Like most of the American teenagers, she has addiction to listening to music.
Commented [HB10]: Continue to work on incorporating
descriptive details. In general, you are headed in the right
direction, and the essay’s organization is good. You need to work
on the creative aspect of the essay: “showing.” Help readers to full
understand who she is and how her experiences have shaped her.
For example, instead of “telling” readers that learning the language
and adapting the culture was a challenge for her, “show” readers.
Carefully, describe a moment in which she struggles with this
challenge, describing her actions, words, and thoughts, so readers
can understand the impact adjusting to a new culture, a new land,
had on her. Be sure to do this throughout the essay. Readers must
be able to “see,” “hear,” and understand her.
The Travels that made her Brave
4
They both go to the Rave where they make good moments and have always shared light
moments in their life. She likes listening to techno music for it “takes over the body and your
soul, releasing all your daily worries and troubles from your mind” as she explains to her friends.
All her life’s aspects can be compared to Deschene 1 quote, “it takes courage to grow up and
become who you really are”. This has been proven from her personal life both with her parents
and with her friends including her boyfriend James. As a friend most would describe her as an
energetic friend and a role model who always brings hope in life. I have always admired her way
of approaching challenges and she has always proven her capabilities beyond any reasonable
doubt she is a performer. She always had good grades in class, always on top of group
discussions and you could find her studying even after classes. She is a determined person
hoping to join university in two years and major in Marketing.
Taking a close look of her life, it’s all about sacrificing everything to face the obstacles
she came across. The journey has not been an easy one, having to adapt to a totally new life in a
new country has been challenging. She has managed to solve all the challenges she has faced and
this has proven to her family and friends that she has the ability to make the best out of herself.
She now has a bright future back at Sri Lanka or in America. She has proven that, “what doesn’t
kill you makes you stronger”.
Commented [HB11]: This should be incorporated into a thesis
statement.
The Travels that made her Brave
5
References.
Deschene, Lori. “Greatness | Tiny Buddha – Part 3 – StumbleUpon.” StumbleUpon.com:
Discover the Best of the Web. Sept. 2010. Web. 15 Feb. 2011.
Friendrich.
(n.d.).
stronger
quotes.
Retrieved
from
brainyquote.com:
https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/stronger
James. (2017, November 26). Profile Essay.
McKeon,
S.
(2011,
July
24).
Profile
Essay.
Retrieved
from
bartleby.com:
https://www.bartleby.com/document/FKNLAPJTJ
Navodya. (2017, November 26). Profile essay.
Oprah Winfrey’s Profile at a Glance. (2012, November 24). Retrieved from bartleby.com:
https://www.bartleby.com/document/FKZAVZAX73GEY
Running head: The Travels that made her Brave
The Travels that Made Her Brave
1
The Travels that Made Her Brave
2
The Travels that Made Her Brave
Physical appearance or looks are always deceiving. This statement has been the stepping
stone behind getting to know her. At one point of a time, we all have heard about people
travelling miles away in the process of building their future or in search of a better state of life.
These stories lack the emotional depth and can only be achieved by been given the chance to
meet people who are trying to rebuild the American Life. She has travelled all the way from Asia
to America. She comes from a city that many people find it hard to pronounce: Anuradhapura,
Sri Lanka. The city is approximately 8890 miles from the Unites States through flying directly
over the Atlantic Ocean. It’s a two-day flight. She is a twenty-year-old girl, pays for everything
she needs, is distanced from relatives, and she balances work and school. All these have not
prevented her from living an ideal life of a foreigner in the United States. Nadia has been able to
leave every room she enters illuminated with hope and she has always been the rock and an
inspiration to her family and friends.
Thinking about the number of miles she travels either by air, by ship or even by train
from America to Sri Lanka just to go be with her family, describes the true meaning of strength
and affection. Her life has given the true meaning of being independent and strong. Although she
may not realize the impact she brings to people around her but as a friend, people truly enjoy the
fruits of her friendship and great inspiration she give me. When she was at first grade, her father
decided to move to Chicago with her, leaving her mother behind. She has always talked about
the flight from Anuradhapura to Chicago and it was a life changing experience for her. Being a
first grade child, learning about the new American culture and belief was her biggest nightmare.
These obstacles never made her look back and regret her life in America but instead made her
the person she is now.
The Travels that Made Her Brave
3
After a long journey from their country, with her dad they arrived at Chicago
International Airport in Illinois and they did not understand or speak English. Her dad drove
them to a relative’s home who she described as Uncle. She has always said that learning the
language and adapting to the new culture was the most challenging obstacle in her new life in
Chicago. This made her father decide to leave for Sri Lanka after just two weeks in Chicago for
their life was too hard for them to adapt. She started going to school and for her father also to
learn the language, he used to accompany her to school. They both learned the language mostly
from other students but not from the teachers.
Her father supported her in all means possible and she did not disappoint for she was
quick to learn and also appreciated everything her father gave her. They visited her mum back at
Sri Lanka several times. She changed constantly in terms of leaning the American culture and
her father noticed the rapid change in her. This made her stronger and more independent and she
was now 18 years old. Her father left for Sri Lanka as she settled in her new house. She was now
the one to take care of all her bills, this was a major step she took in her life. She met with her
boyfriend James who she could find little time to be together for she had to balance work and
school. Her boyfriend gave her what she missed from her dad after he went back to his country
of origin. James explains that Navodya has been the best companion and a mentor too in his life.
She now works at a Mexican Grill as a shift manager and she feels happy about the position she
holds at the restaurant.
Her personal life is not different from many people’s life even though she holds a tight
schedule to balance her studies with work. She now lives with her boyfriend and she always
finds time for him and also for his friends and family members. She has been the pillar that holds
their relationship. Like most of the American teenagers, she has addiction to listening to music.
The Travels that Made Her Brave
4
They both go to the Rave where they make good moments and have always shared light
moments in their life. She likes listening to techno music for it “takes over the body and your
soul, releasing all your daily worries and troubles from your mind” as she explains to her friends.
All her life’s aspects can be compared to Deschene 1 quote, “it takes courage to grow up and
become who you really are”. This has been proven from her personal life both with her parents
and with her friends including her boyfriend James. As a friend most would describe her as an
energetic friend and a role model who always brings hope in life. I have always admired her way
of approaching challenges and she has always proven her capabilities beyond any reasonable
doubt she is a performer. She always had good grades in class, always on top of group
discussions and you could find her studying even after classes. She is a determined person
hoping to join university in two years and major in Marketing.
Taking a close look of her life, it’s all about sacrificing everything to face the obstacles
she came across. The journey has not been an easy one, having to adapt to a totally new life in a
new country has been challenging. She has managed to solve all the challenges she has faced and
this has proven to her family and friends that she has the ability to make the best out of herself.
She now has a bright future back at Sri Lanka or in America. She has proven that, “what doesn’t
kill you makes you stronger”.
The Travels that Made Her Brave
5
References.
Deschene, Lori. “Greatness | Tiny Buddha – Part 3 – StumbleUpon.” StumbleUpon.com:
Discover the Best of the Web. Sept. 2010. Web. 15 Feb. 2011.
Friendrich.
(n.d.).
stronger
quotes.
Retrieved
from
brainyquote.com:
https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/stronger
James. (2017, November 26). Profile Essay.
McKeon,
S.
(2011,
July
24).
Profile
Essay.
Retrieved
from
bartleby.com:
https://www.bartleby.com/document/FKNLAPJTJ
Navodya. (2017, November 26). Profile essay.
Oprah Winfrey’s Profile at a Glance. (2012, November 24). Retrieved from bartleby.com:
https://www.bartleby.com/document/FKZAVZAX73GEY

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